Knowing Myself

1. Why do I think this way? If I were given the chance to change how I think, what would I have done?

I entered a big, new place where every girls wear dominant white skirt and a blouse with a sailor type collar while the boys wear white polo and black pants. They were wearing uniforms and there was I, one of them. I entered found my room and my teacher asked for my name because she had already put each of our names in front of our chairs. So I was seated in front and all I see was new faces. After, the bell rang, the morning prayer started and followed by the school's hymn. Our teacher greeted and welcomed us. And it started my high school life.

I can say that high school was the first step of knowing who you are. One of the memories that I can't forget was a group of five girls who I think were like one of the mean girls in every story. They always wore dress codes every Wednesday and they have this eyes that would make your head stare at the ground. One moment, I saw them standing in the hallway while I walked going there, I had no choice but to passed there because it's the only way going to my classroom. I think they had been talking behind my back because I heard my name because two of them were my classmates. I think the two that were my classmate were okay but there was this tall girl in their group that was I think was so strict. I also had this friend of mine who also thinks so too. After a year, my friend were classmates to that tall girl, my friend said that they she was not what we thought of. I agreed to my friend after I saw her with my friend joking around. My eyes really had struck them.

I realized that believing in what you think which has not yet been proved is like judging without knowing. If I were to change the way I think, I would have think that I should first know the person. Even though if I know the person, I would still not judge because every person should be respected. 

2. Why do I feel that way? If I were given the chance to change how I feel, what would I have done?

It was an early day at school and I was in my classroom. The place was so quiet and all I can hear was different noises from the streets. While waiting for classes starts, I reviewed my report from another subject in my afternoon class. I wrote a summary on my index card in order for me to bring my report well. The classes had started, all was well but it was now afternoon and the main event was of my day was now starting. At first, I really didn't felt nervous but when it was almost my time to report, my heart was beating so fast that I could not control it and so I drank my water to calm me down. Now, was really my time to report. I stood up and hold the remote control of the LCD. I greeted everyone. I did it. I finished my report but how I reported was not I was expected. I expected that I could deliver my report thoroughly but in reality I got lack of many things to say that it ended I was speaking my mother tongue.

I always feel nervous when I am in front of many people. Maybe or not maybe because it's true that I am anxious of what's gonna happen. I feel scared of embarrassment or bully. Then, I ask myself why I feel this way? Well, honestly I know that I am shy since I was in kindergarten years. I remember those years when we have a dance practice and I was the only one who can't get off of my butt on my chair. But after many days, I stood up and joined. I could not remember what moved me that time but all I know it was the right thing to do. On my 5th and 6th grade, our school holds a variety show every December to raise funds for school development. Those years started the performer inside of me. I know I can sing but dancing was the skill I developed and being able to perform on stage in front of many people. It was really the happiest moment of my life. Time passed by so quickly and I was now in high school. Although we have had reports, role-plays, and stuff like performing in front of class but I was not really into what I was in grade school. The thing that's inside of me was getting so small and it was confidence, and that's the reason I feel scared, nervous, and anxious. Also I brought it now in my first and second years in college. I hope I can overcome this throughout my life.

I realized that I let society control instead of me. I let bullies and embarrassment pull me down which it should be the reason I should be pushing up. I should've let myself take the courage to rely on what I am because confidence is first build on ourselves. If I were given the chance to change those bad feelings, I should've done all my realizations. 

3. Why did I behave this way? If I were given the chance to change how I behave, what would I have done?

It was a beautiful Monday morning. My bag was all packed and I was in my school uniform. It was my first time in school, finally I was now a kinder pupil. I was accompanied by my father in going to school. I was seated second to the front seat. Each of us introduced ourselves to our teacher. When half of the school year comes, our teacher told us that I was the most silent and behave student. I was really happy when I heard this. Then I really proved it to myself and to everyone of what my teacher has said.

Time passed by and I was now in high school. My friends and teachers also see me as a silent and behave person. When I was in third year, it was a culture in our school to handle a more like recollection event and it is called Search-In: Yes to Life. It was a 3-day and 2-night event. There was an activity called Johari Window, it was about self-awareness. Most of my classmates told me that I am not always talking like I don't always socialize and talk to them. I realized that what my classmate said were true. I was always silent to the point that I became quiet and I am not always the talkative type. I know the reason why I'm like that, it is because I'm shy and I'm kind of introvert. I'm the happiest person when I'm in our house because I can do what I want like playing guitar, listening to music, singing and dancing my own dance steps. Also, it is because my parents trained me and my siblings to always be in the house. I remember when I was still a child, my parents punished me when I went out of the house to play and visit our neighbor. So that I and my siblings will be in the house, we were trained to do chores and our house was connected to the internet and cable television. My parents did that so that if we would get out of the house, we should have a valid reason. My parents always track us to the place we are to be going. At first, I could not understand my parents of what they were doing but as I have grown, I realized that it was for our good. Maybe my parents were just scared that we might fall into wrong paths and regret later on in our life.

Now that I am Eighteen, I am fully aware of who I am. Being silent and behave will always be my nature. At the same time, I can now easily socialize and communicate to other people. If I were given the chance to change how I behave, I would not change anything because it made me who I am today and I am proud of it.
 

4. What external assistance should I seek for to improve myself?

Some external assistance that have had helped me to improve myself were my friends who influenced me to focus on my studies even more; my family who always encouraged and supported me; and most especially to God who always been there and always will be guiding me in all my decisions. Moreover, an external assistance from my teacher would be a great help to improve myself in my studies since teachers are always the second parents of the students.